The kids didn't know what was going on and kept asking me "What the matter Momma?" but I was crying too hard to answer them. I had known this time was coming. Earlier in the week I had received emails from both my grandma (forwarded from my mom) and my cousin Ashely, and from what they were saying, I knew the end was fast approaching, but it was far faster than any of us had truly anticipated. When Jeff called he said he wasn't sure it was even me when I answered the phone. I just couldn't stop crying.
My Aunt Paula was not an everyday part of my life. There were many years that I saw her for only a few days if at all. But there were many many summers where we spent a LOT of time with her, shopping, going to the zoo, the beach or the movies with her. Because her schedule was more flexible, we saw her more than anyone else most summers. She was the one who came to stay with us when my brothers Phillip and Russell were born. She was the one who picked out all the greeting cards that the family would then sign and send our way. She was the one who did my makeup on my wedding day. There was never a point in my life that she wasn't there.
Upon arriving at the station I pulled over and Jeff gave me a big hug, then he took the driver's seat. The kids immediately started asking him why mommy was so sad, as I still was not able to talk to them in a coherent manner. I knew I just wasn't going to be able to work my scheduled shift, so I called the store to let them know. My attempts to calm down sufficiently to talk without crying were unsuccessful, but my shift started in 30 minutes, so I couldn't wait too long. My manager and co-workers were incredibly understanding, telling me not to worry and that they would take care of it (apparently my voice scared them too).
When we got home, I sat down on the chair and started to cry again. I have never cried so long or so hard and had no idea I even had that many tears. Both babies came up to me to hug and kiss me, knowing that's what I needed most from them. Justin ran off and returned moments later to offer me a blue blanket from the couch, hoping that would make me feel better. Norah watched me for a moment, then ran off without a word. She returned moments later with a tissue in her hand, climbed up on the chair, and started to dab the tears off my face. Once my face was dry she then tried to open my eye lid nice and wide so she could start drying off my eye ball! I declared myself much better and thanked both of them for being so sweet. God has truly blessed me with the most wonderful of children.
Jeff regularly came over and gave me reassuring hugs as he finished up dinner and got the kids ready to eat. He asked what I needed, to which I responded, "I have to run". He understood perfectly and took over dinner duty completely so that I could go running. As I was on my way out the door I stopped to tell them that I was off and would be back soon. I could hear them talking on the patio, the kids asking him why mommy was so sad. He explained to them that Aunt Paula had been too sick for the doctor's to heal, and so she had gone home to be with God, and I was sad because I was going to miss her very much. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful husband.
I ran without music for the first time ever. I cried almost the entire time, and when I say cry I mean sobbed. For 5 miles I ran, thinking about how wonderful she had been and how much I was going to miss her, my grief taking the form of a prayer (yesterday's post). I'm sure I was quite a sight to passersby. Upon returning home I hugged my beautiful family and told them how much I love them. Declaring me "sweavty" Norah sent me to the shower, after which we cuddled together and read stories. Norah constantly touched my cheek with her palm and smiled at me, trying to cheer me up. I have been blessed beyond measure.
My Aunt Paula is no longer hurting and is resting in the arms of our Father. I know in my heart that she is at peace and for that I am thankful, but I will miss her so very very much.
At 5:47 this evening, on the way to pick up Jeff at the train station, my phone started to ring. I assumed it was Jeff calling to tell me he arrived, only to look down and see a California area code. At that moment I knew that my Aunt Paula was gone, her three year battle with breast cancer over. I answered the phone and my grandma told me in a quiet voice filled with grief, that at 2:54pm (PST) Paula had gone home to be with the Lord. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember agreeing to call my brothers as she had many more phone calls to make. I told her I loved her and hung up, and promptly started to sob uncontrollably.
The kids didn't know what was going on and kept asking me "What the matter Momma?" but I was crying too hard to answer them. I had known this time was coming. Earlier in the week I had received emails from both my grandma (forwarded from my mom) and my cousin Ashely, and from what they were saying, I knew the end was fast approaching, but it was far faster than any of us had truly anticipated. When Jeff called he said he wasn't sure it was even me when I answered the phone. I just couldn't stop crying.
My Aunt Paula was not an everyday part of my life. There were many years that I saw her for only a few days if at all. But there were many many summers where we spent a LOT of time with her, shopping, going to the zoo, the beach or the movies with her. Because her schedule was more flexible, we saw her more than anyone else most summers. She was the one who came to stay with us when my brothers Phillip and Russell were born. She was the one who picked out all the greeting cards that the family would then sign and send our way. She was the one who did my makeup on my wedding day. There was never a point in my life that she wasn't there.
Upon arriving at the station I pulled over and Jeff gave me a big hug, then he took the driver's seat. The kids immediately started asking him why mommy was so sad, as I still was not able to talk to them in a coherent manner. I knew I just wasn't going to be able to work my scheduled shift, so I called the store to let them know. My attempts to calm down sufficiently to talk without crying were unsuccessful, but my shift started in 30 minutes, so I couldn't wait too long. My manager and co-workers were incredibly understanding, telling me not to worry and that they would take care of it (apparently my voice scared them too).
When we got home, I sat down on the chair and started to cry again. I have never cried so long or so hard and had no idea I even had that many tears. Both babies came up to me to hug and kiss me, knowing that's what I needed most from them. Justin ran off and returned moments later to offer me a blue blanket from the couch, hoping that would make me feel better. Norah watched me for a moment, then ran off without a word. She returned moments later with a tissue in her hand, climbed up on the chair, and started to dab the tears off my face. Once my face was dry she then tried to open my eye lid nice and wide so she could start drying off my eye ball! I declared myself much better and thanked both of them for being so sweet. God has truly blessed me with the most wonderful of children.
Jeff regularly came over and gave me reassuring hugs as he finished up dinner and got the kids ready to eat. He asked what I needed, to which I responded, "I have to run". He understood perfectly and took over dinner duty completely so that I could go running. As I was on my way out the door I stopped to tell them that I was off and would be back soon. I could hear them talking on the patio, the kids asking him why mommy was so sad. He explained to them that Aunt Paula had been too sick for the doctor's to heal, and so she had gone home to be with God, and I was sad because I was going to miss her very much. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful husband.
I ran without music for the first time ever. I cried almost the entire time, and when I say cry I mean sobbed. For 5 miles I ran, thinking about how wonderful she had been and how much I was going to miss her, my grief taking the form of a prayer (yesterday's post). I'm sure I was quite a sight to passersby. Upon returning home I hugged my beautiful family and told them how much I love them. Declaring me "sweavty" Norah sent me to the shower, after which we cuddled together and read stories. Norah constantly touched my cheek with her palm and smiled at me, trying to cheer me up. I have been blessed beyond measure.
My Aunt Paula is no longer hurting and is resting in the arms of our Father. I know in my heart that she is at peace and for that I am thankful, but I will miss her so very very much.
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